I've received countless letters from men AND women detailing the pain
of either constant rejection from their partner or disappointment
in the frequency of lovemaking. While men have the reputation for
being constant horn dogs, I have to represent the woman's viewpoint
as well. Many women also report approaching their partner and being
shunned. I'm not
talking about the occasional "Sorry, I have a headache,"
or "I'm too tired." I'm talking about continual rejection
that can lead to sexual incompatibility. What do you do if one person
wants sex twice a week, but the other is satisfied with twice a month?
How much is "too much"? This varies from
couple to couple, but what if there's division within the
union? There needs to be communication and compromise. Sex isn't everything,
but we all know it matters.
After a couple has been together for some time, it's likely that the
sexual frequency will decrease. But what if you both just sincerely
have different needs? It's not uncommon for people to have difference
sexual appetites, and these needs will more than likely change over
time. An important note to remember is that things will only go downhill
if you criticize or insult the other person for their preferences,
whether they don't want it as often or you feel they are "obsessed"
as some letters say. I've read discouraging emails about how partners
turn away from one another,
and one says they simply don't care about the decrease in activity
and it's the other person's problem. YIKES. That doesn't sound like
positive communication to me.
Imagine that you have a friskier libido than your partner and you
generally do most of the initiating. Only, slowly but surely, you
are rejected more and more. Eventually, your partner says "no"
the majority of the time. Constant rejection is enough to make anyone
give up, and that's exactly what many of you have done. If you go
out of your way to create a loving
atmosphere and your partner routinely rejects you, it can make you
not want to bother. And then you begin to turn the pain inward. Though
your partner swears it has nothing to do with you, you still blame
yourself. Why doesn't he/she want me? Are they not attracted to me
anymore? If he/she loves me, why wouldn't they want to make love more
often? You probably start feeling like you've done something wrong,
that your partner might not love you anymore, or that you
aren't giving the other person what he/she needs. I've
received countless letters detailing this exact pain. And perhaps
you're hurt and don't know how big of a deal to make about your feelings.
Let's face it - if you make love twice a month because that's what
your partner prefers, but you actually would like it twice a week,
someone's needs aren't being met. Sometimes masturbation just isn't
enough.
Sometimes, when we don't want to have sex, we simply just don't want
to. It isn't always symbolic of underlying issues. But, if it happens
more and more frequently, perhaps something else is going on in the
relationship. Is there resentment toward your partner for any reason?
Are you particularly stressed or tired because of a crazy work schedule?
Perhaps the couple just had a child or is struggling to juggle all
the daily demands of family life. Or, there could be a sexual disorder
or former abuse scars. It could be nothing, but a constant "not
tonight" could be indicative of something else. Still, others
insist they are just not sexual beings.
They probably aren't reading this newsletter :)
I'm not trying to scare anyone, but I've read letter after
letter detailing separations over this very issue. Before this spirals
out of control, let's get the train back on course. First and foremost,
remember what attracted you to one another to begin with. Affection
can greatly help if frequency needs aren't being met. I'm not a therapist,
but I'm basing this on life experience and reader mail: a little affection
goes a long way. Make it a point to spend 15 minutes together every
day to talk, hug, caress, or massage each other. Little things matter.
A little swat on the tush or holding hands
can make all the difference. It sets the stage for a positive, loving
atmosphere. And just maybe one of those massage sessions will turn
into more...Don't be upset if touching doesn't always lead to intercourse,
though. Even if you don't end up making love, the intimacy level will
have increased. Any time you make a conscious effort to pay attention
to or nurture something, there will more than likely be positive
results.
There needs to somehow be a happy medium. If after all the communication
attempts, you are still frustrated and feel isolated and alienated,
I would suggest couples counseling. Counseling isn't the answer to
everything, but sometimes we need a mediator or catalyst to help us
advance to the next level.
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Many psychologists say that though sex is not everything, a couple's
sex life can be indicative of what else is happening in the relationship.
You be the judge. I look forward to reading your letters, but in the
meantime, keep your mind open and your heart full. As always, I remain...
Devotedly yours,
Carmen Sutra
Nothing is too taboo for Carmen! Great Sexpectations the Book is here!
Click the following link for info or to order:
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Questions... Comments... email us at: mailto:carmen@shagmail.com
email Carmen
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