SEX: The Art of Sexual Intimacy

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Do you feel comfortable talking about sex?
How did you learn about sex?
Growing up, did your parents communicate and discuss sexuality openly, or did you just get "the birds and the bees"?
Have you utilized resources such as books, videos, or seminars to give you a better understanding of sex?
Do you have any fears or inhibitions concerning sex?
Have you communicated to your past partners and current partner your feelings and needs when it comes to sex?
Do you have a healthy attitude towards sex?
Since the beginning of recorded history, people have been writing about sex: Plato, Shakespeare, Anais Nin, and Danielle Steele, to name just a few. Popular magazines today -- like Cosmo, Playboy, Vanity Fair, Penthouse, and Glamour -- headline such topics as "Your top sex and love questions answered," "Seize the night," "Your sexual peak is now," "The politically incorrect orgasm," and "Making sex a joy not a job." Television talk shows are always looking for ways of improving their ratings; the surefire way to do this is to talk about sex. Turn your television on any afternoon, and you will find one or more talk shows discussing some topic related to sex.

Why is the media so focused upon bringing sex to us? What is the purpose of all this hoopla? Why doesn't the media focus more on history, philosophy, or the sciences? Why are they so intent on exploring the subject of sex, with such intensity? The obvious answer is: public demand. Our society today craves knowledge about sex. Why do we have such a hunger for this knowledge? Many of us are afraid of openly discussing this topic of sex. We turn to passive forms, like watching television and movies or reading romance novels, in our quest for knowledge that surpasses what we learned in 10th grade Health class. Seriously, during your adolescent years, was your curiosity about sex satisfied by what you learned at school or from what your parents told you? Considering the non-stop media hype on the subject of sex, it appears that our curiosity was not satisfied. We still want and seek more knowledge.

I feel that sex is still the touchiest subject in the world today. At school, we learn about the basics: anatomy, birth control, and sexually transmitted diseases. At home, what we learn about the emotional side of sex is greatly dependent on our parents and how comfortable they feel about discussing the subject. If you were lucky enough to have parents who were open, you probably have healthy ideas about sex. However, if you (like many or most of us) were raised in a family that never really talked about sex, you may have received the message that sex is not to be discussed, that it is dirty, or that it is a sin. As we grow up, we start to realize that our sexuality and sensuality are very important parts of who we are, and that sex plays a very important role in our close, intimate relationships. Many of us, however, have not acquired the sexual knowledge or skills that are needed to attain the highest level of intimacy in a relationship. No wonder there are so many TV programs devoted to various aspects of sex and human sensuality. There is a huge gap between what we learned in school and what we need to function in a loving, intimate, adult relationship.

Despite whatever deficiencies may have characterized your adolescent education about sex and intimacy, you need to take responsibility for acquiring more thorough knowledge on these topics. Like everything else, it starts with you. Make the time to learn more about sex. Get some books out of the library, rent some educational videos, search the Internet, and/or go to lectures and seminars. Women, pick up a copy of a men's magazine; men, explore your horizons and read some of the women's magazines. You will be surprised at what knowledge you can gain. To really understand sex and to have a fulfilling, intimate, sexual relationship with another person, you need to do the work. You need to educate yourself. I cannot stress this enough. Although sex is just one component of a relationship, it is an area where you and your partner can learn to share the beauty and joy inherent within each of you. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your partner.

Work together to expand your sexual knowledge. Your sexual intimacy will flourish, and your love for one another will rise to new heights. You do not have to make a mission out of learning every little detail about every sexual technique and then practicing it all with clinical precision. Just take the time to find out, slowly, what works for you and your partner. It is not only important to learn about sex; it is equally important to learn about your own body. Take the time to listen to your body and to your feelings. Explore your body, with or without your partner. It starts with you, finding out what stimulates you sexually. Once you really know what you like, it becomes easier to communicate this to your partner. Removing the guesswork in your sexual relationship will provide a big relief for your partner and for yourself. Remember, your partner does not have a manual that shows him or her what sexually stimulates you and gives you pleasure.

As with every other realm of a relationship, you have to be able to communicate your needs to your partner in a sensitive, compassionate way. Telling your partner, "Not like that!" is not being sensitive. Focus on the positive, and let your partner know when he or she is doing something that pleases you. Verbal communication does not stop during the throes of passion. Communication is absolutely essential in order to keep sexual intimacy alive between both of you. You can communicate not only by using words, but also by using body language. Using the movement of your body to demonstrate how you are feeling is a natural, instinctive form of communication. If you are enjoying the experience you are sharing, let your partner know this by using words, a moan, a groan, or other body language. Your expression of pleasure will reinforce your partner's behavior, making it more likely that he or she will please you in this way, again, in the future.

Stress, anxiety and fatigue often prevent us from allowing our bodies to communicate how we are truly feeling at that moment. Letting your body flow freely during sexual intimacy first requires that you put your mind into a relaxed state. What this means is putting aside all worries and thoughts about the office, the kids, money, etc., and allowing your mind to send messages of relaxation to every part of your body. When your mind and body are at ease, this gives you the freedom to experience the intensity, the joy, and the satisfaction of lovemaking. Honest, open communication before, during, and after sexual intimacy is what develops a strong, satisfying sexual relationship for you both. Remember, sex is a form of communication within itself. Enjoying a physical relationship completes the circle of intimacy between you and your partner, providing a sense of oneness. The difference between "just sex" and true "sexual intimacy" is the depth of your relationship with your partner. Having a relaxed mind and body, and communicating your feelings and needs, is what makes sex not merely an event, but a continuation of your journey toward mature, rising love with one another.

Copyright � 2000-2001. All rights reserved. Paul Mauchline

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