SEX: Do You Show Up For the Big O?

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Art of Loving, advice on love and relationships

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Do You Show Up For the "Big O"?
by Leslie Karen Lobell, M.A.

Do you show up - I mean really show up - when you have sex or make love? You might think, "Well, anyone would show up for that, right?" In the past, I would have agreed with this statement. Now, I have some serious doubts. I firmly believe in the importance of showing up and being present. Being present is essential to creating a full, sensuous, enjoyable experience of life. Though "being present" may sound like something that should be easy, in actuality, it poses a great challenge for many or most of us. Few people realize how little time they spend truly being present... even for events that should be pleasurable.

I used to think, without a doubt, that I showed up all the time. Then, in my early thirties, I received a "wake up call" when I began to do a lot of "consciousness work." Prior to that, I had been on a path of self-exploration for over a decade, but this was an intensive new phase of my personal growth process, bringing a whole new level of self-discovery. By the time I began this, I had graduated Summa Cum Laude from an Ivy League college, and had enjoyed tremendous academic success in a top-rated graduate program in Counseling Psychology. I had been involved in the performing arts, singing solos in choirs and playing leading roles in musical theater productions. As a hopeful romantic, I had experienced my share of joys and heartbreaks. So when I began participating in this series of retreats and trainings, my ego told me that I, of all people, must be good at being present - especially to have been able to accomplish what I had accomplished academically. … I had a big surprise in store for me…

The more I learned about becoming aware and being present, the more I realized how little time I had been spending in awareness or in the present. I once had what was, to myself at that time, the embarrassing realization that -- almost whenever I was making love -- I would suddenly transport myself, mentally, to places I had been before. Without any warning or logical connection to anything, my mind would take me to a square in Florence, a house in Greece, an outdoor hot-tub in Arizona, or a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean in California. One time I recall, out of the blue, seeing myself as a fourth grader on the playground outside the elementary school I attended as a child. When I caught myself, all I could think was, "What the hell am I doing here?" It was not the most flattering moment for a young woman who had been striving to be a wonderful, sensual lover! Needless to say, I certainly was not experiencing great passion and intimacy in the moments I was completely "checked out."

In order to have a heightened, sensual experience, you really need to get present. In particular, you need to show up for the "Big O"! Okay, well maybe some of you can have a half-decent orgasm while fantasizing about some Playboy Bunny or Chippendale hunk, and/or some Victoria's Secret model or that stud in the latest Calvin Klein underwear ad. But I truly believe that you cannot have a fully embodied, "blow your mind and curl your toenails" kind of orgasm when your mind is wandering off somewhere. Neither can you build deep intimacy with a romantic partner under such circumstances, if that is what you are seeking to do.

If people were motivated to show up for anything, you would think that they would be motivated to show up for a pleasurable, sensual, and potentially loving experience. What about you? Do you spend time "in the moment"? Do you show up for the "Big O"? If you are not certain about whether or not you are truly present, then -- assuming that if you are reading this you probably are sexually active -- this may be one area in which to test yourself. You may want to ask yourself some of these questions (either while making love or while reviewing it afterward):

Am I truly feeling, seeing, and engaging in what is happening in the moment?
Am I truly experiencing the person I am with - rather than taking for granted that I already know him or her?
Am I comparing him or her to a previous lover or to some ideal lover I have in my mind?
Am I fantasizing about someone else?
Am I concerned about the time?
Am I worrying about work/studying/errands I should be doing now, or need to do later?
Is my mind wandering to financial concerns or other challenges in my life?
In other words, the main question is:
Am I really here, or am I "checked out" and thinking about someone or something else?

Of course, you can ask similar questions about whether or not you truly are present for any experience in life that you are having, not just intimate or sexual experiences. If you discover, in this process of questioning, that you are not present very often, do not feel dismayed: this just means that you are a pretty normal human being. Realizing that you are not present can serve as a wake up call: When you become aware enough to "catch yourself" when you are checked out, you can begin to bring yourself back to the present. Many of us avoid the present. When we are in the present, we really allow life to impact us: hence, we feel vulnerable to life, and thus potentially vulnerable to feeling pain. However, it is only in taking the risk of being present that we can experience sheer joy and ecstasy, as well. So, the next time you are making love, take a risk: Show up for the "Big O"!

You'll be glad you came

Copyright Š2000-2001. All rights reserved. Leslie Lobell

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