By Debora Myers
How are we to keep the fire alive in our relationship with our life partner?
Send this page to a friend
As life bombards
us with problems we must maintain our connections with our mates so
that we can reach the deeper levels of intimacy and understanding that
many of us hunger for.
First we must look
within and monitor how we feel about ourselves to understand how we
react to our mates, especially when the initial passion and urgency
has seemingly lessened, we must nurture our feelings to evolve into
a deeper, stronger and more intimate connection. During the first few
months of a love relationship the rush of euphoric feelings initiated
by what we call romantic love is caused by endorphins produced in the
brain. These endorphins heighten one's sense of security and comfort.
How do we make it last? Well it probably won't last; it must expand
into a deeper more meaningful love that we call "True Love." We may
be afraid to get too close to our mate if we were hurt or allowed someone
to take advantage of us in a previous relationship. We often suffer
through conflicts of being independent and self-sufficient while at
the same time wanting a stable anchor at home to help us in feeling
secure and "taken care of."
In most societies
of this world men are encouraged to be dominant and women are expected
to be passive or subordinate. These roles that we follow can lead to
a fear of becoming vulnerable and therefore deeper connections are never
made. Many people turn to another love interest, attracted by the flood
of endorphins that accompanies a new love, but which fades with time,
sending him/her searching for yet a new "conquest." This pattern may
be repeated again and again with unfulfilling results.
There are probably
a million books written on the subject as well as therapists that specialize
in this area. So before you divorce your loved one or submit to a life
devoid of passion, look deeply into yourself and take advantage of all
the help that is available to you. Many of us cannot afford a professional
therapist to address our individual problems. This means that one must
really take some time to look inside and decipher what is happening
to be able to concentrate our efforts on where we need to grow. Take
advantage of the written help available now. Be honest with yourself
as you look within. Remember that getting the love and deeper connections
you want from your mate begins with your relationship with yourself.
You must have an intimate relationship with yourself before you can
become intimate with others. Only you can give yourself inner acceptance.
Here are some tools
or techniques used to help you better understand yourself so that you
can truly decipher what it is you want out of a relationship, what your
willing to accept and what you can change about yourself. We have no
right to try and change someone else. Trying to change someone else
from the outside will not work if that person is not willing to do his
or her own inner work. We can make suggestions. We can let the other
person know what it is that we find lacking. but we cannot change them.
They must be willing to do the work themselves, if they themselves believe
that there is some validity to our requests. The first thing that we
can do to facilitate change in our life is to simply work on ourselves.
Allow yourself to
have some quiet time everyday for inner reflection. It is helpful to
do this at a set time everyday. Early morning works best for me. Or
late after everyone has gone to bed may be better for you. Many people
go for a walk to escape the chatter and distractions of their household.
Make this a priority in your life. Learn to listen to your mind.
The next step after
you have established a quiet connection with yourself is to reprogram
negative thought patterns with positive ones. When you start to recognize
a negative thought, for example, "He never considers my needs. he is
so self absorbed." replace this with "I will make more time to take
care of my needs," or "I will make it a point to gently let him know
how I am feeling." This is especially helpful when working on raising
your self- esteem. If you feel good about yourself and are using a positive
approach when making an appeal to your mate you have won half the battle.
The battle is not with your mate but with how you handle the situation
and feelings that accompany your growing process.
Choose the right
time to let him/her know what it is that's bothering you. Make sure
your lover is in a good state of mind when you are disclosing your innermost
feelings, etc. It is wise to have a daily or weekly date to clear the
air and communicate your feelings with your loved one. Also be open
to giving your mate and yourself the space needed when he or she needs
to pull away to further sort out their inner processes before bringing
them to the surface.
If your mate is
especially hard to reach, closed off and disconnected try the gentle
repetitive approach. Keep on keeping on with what it is your trying
to get across. Approach him from different directions, sometimes you
can get through to him/her from a different angle or perspective. Most
of all whether you're using a gentle or more direct approach always
do it with love in your heart. Remember true love is the goal. You must
come from love to get the love you want.
This article is written by Debora Myers, Editor-In-Chief ofLadyfire, the award-winning community for modern women. Featuring: Literature, romance and love stories, articles of empowerment, inspiration, women's issues, health, self-esteem, advice, horoscopes, chat and stellar recipes.
Copyright 2000 Debora Myers Ladyfire.com