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If We Were Meant to Be… Why Are We Getting Divorced?
By Paul Mauchline

In recent years, newspaper and magazine articles, books, and television shows have focused on the subject, "Are you the one for me?" This question is one of the most common topics of discussion among friends and family. I have traveled to many parts of the world, and I have heard many a discussion on this subject while sipping coffee in a café, sitting in a bar, or waiting for a bus. We think about and dwell on this question by ourselves, we talk to acquaintances, and we confide in our closest friends. We appear to take this stuff pretty seriously. We would all have to agree that committing ourselves to a relationship, and eventually to marriage or a common law relationship, is probably one of the biggest decisions we will make in our lifetime. Most of us eventually come to a decision that, yes, "this is the one for me," and make such a commitment. I guess my question is that, if we are examining this question with such scrutiny, why is it that one out of two marriages ends in divorce?
 
Figures released by Statistics Canada for the year 1992 showed the following divorce rates, by country: Canada, 48.02%; United States, 51.44%; United Kingdom, 48.93%; France, 55.43%; Russia, 46.8%; Australia, 37.79%; Sweden, a staggering 58.93%. The statistics are not all doom and gloom: Spain had a rate of 10.9%, Mexico was at 7.78%, and Italy was at 8.56%. This, of course, does not insure that people in Spain, Mexico, and Italy choose partners more wisely and have happier marriages; the lower divorce rates may be related to factors such as cultural and religious beliefs (e.g., a taboo on divorce). Statistically, second marriages are even less successful than first marriages: it looks as if we do not learn anything from the first time around! As for third or fourth marriages: well, I have to wonder whether these people just like having a party. These statistics are on legal marriages, only. The statistics have not even explored the failure rates of common law relationships, where percentages may be even higher. It's only a matter of time before the statisticians come up with those numbers for us. It is not uncommon today for an individual to have had two marriages, and a couple of common law relationships during his or her lifetime.
 
One factor that may be affecting the rate of divorce is the ease of obtaining a divorce. Over the last twenty years, it has become increasingly easy and more socially acceptable to become divorced. Individuals in the state of Arizona now can divorce their spouses without even telling them, courtesy of the automated Quick Court. The system allows a couple, or either partner, to file for a legal separation in just 20 minutes. The machine also allows you to sort out child custody issues. It even allows an abused partner to file for an order of protection, which becomes effective in 24 hours. Once processed, the system prints out a form that the couple or individual takes to a clerk in the courthouse for filing. Six weeks later, the final divorce arrives, with minimal involvement from either party. The cost is only $30, plus court filing fees. Using a lawyer for the same process could cost thousands. This system makes divorcing easier than getting a driver's license, and has processed tens of thousands of divorces since its introduction in 1994.
 
Divorce has become a big business in the world today. Due to the demand, more lawyers are choosing to specialize in divorce and family law. Waiting lists are common when seeking an appointment with a psychiatrist, psychologist, or mediator who specializes in divorce and custody issues. Divorce is not a cheap proposition: it is not only supporting the lawyers and the medical professionals like psychiatrists, but provides revenue for real estate agents, movers, furniture and appliance stores, even baby-sitters. Also, let us not forget our local travel agent, because if the divorce has been long, messy, and drawn out, everybody is going to need a holiday to recover from it all!
 
Yes, indeed, divorce is a big money maker. In March of 1996, publisher Dan Courvette introduced Canada to his Divorce magazine. Launched in the Toronto, Ontario market and published quarterly, Divorce is now in its fifth year. Toronto was just the starting point for this magazine. Publisher and divorce entrepreneur Courvette now boasts a flourishing circulation of 110,000 from 4 different regions: California, Illinois, New York / New Jersey, and Ontario. Expansion of Divorce magazine continues with a new website and with plans to launch a national edition of the magazine by the end of the year. Articles seen in this magazine highlight such topics as "A Fairy Tale divorce" -- describing how a nightmare marriage can have a happy ending. Another article, "The Money Trap," describes how two nice people turn into gladiators bent on destruction. Of course, as in any magazine, it is full of advertisements by lawyers, accountants, realtors, mediators, and dating agencies looking for business. In the Toronto issue of Divorce, there is a full-page ad from Telepersonals, luring readers to get back into the dating scene.
 
I am not an anti-divorce advocate. Divorce is necessary in cases of physical or mental abuse, or in the case of two people who are so incompatible that they never should have been together in the first place. Certainly, if your partner is mentally or physically abusive to you or your children -- or if he or she exhibits any signs of violent behavior -- you cannot ignore these signs. You are putting yourself, and possibly others, in serious jeopardy. Divorce in such cases is merited.
 
However, considering the alarming divorce statistics worldwide and the growth and economic success of the divorce industry, I have to question whether we seriously consider the question -- "Are you the one for me?" -- before marriage. In my opinion, if relationships are failing at such an alarming rate, why did these people get together in the first place? I have heard many excuses for why relationships fail: "he/she has changed since we met"; "we just grew apart"; "the love just disappeared from the relationship; "we weren't compatible"; "financial troubles got in our way"; "we weren't communicating anymore"; "he/she was unfaithful and cheated on me." To me, the reasons are not important. The real issue is why two people meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, "You are not the one for me." Whether you have lived together for two years or twenty years, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up, but also for children, friends, and family as well.
 
Why are we failing, today, in recognizing what we want as individuals, and what we want and need from our relationships? Now, the sixty-four dollar question: why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners? I do not feel that we are honestly examining the question "are you the one for me?" as much as we may think we are. Relationships are a big part of life for most of us. It is part of our human existence that we choose a mate, share love and intimacy, provide comfort and security for one another, and, in many cases, have and nurture children together. Since intimate, loving relationships are so important to us, many of us are willing to make great sacrifices in order to have a relationship. When we finally meet that potential partner who pushes most of the right buttons, we feel a sense of relief that our search is now over. We are thrilled to have found a partner, a person with whom to have a relationship and share our life. Sometimes, though, we fool ourselves in the initial euphoria of love: we are not honest with ourselves about the things that bother us about our partner. We hope that these things simply will go away. We might ignore upsetting issues and allow them to pass without challenging them, or avoid topics of discussion that could lead to disagreements. We may tell ourselves that the things that bother us about our partner are not very important or that we are being too picky. We may be hesitant about asking questions of our partner that may reveal potential problems for the relationship. We need to make compromises in relationships, but we should not sacrifice our personal dreams and goals for them. By ignoring potential problems, we abandon ourselves for the sake of the relationship.
 
Many of the warning signs of incompatibility or potential conflict between two partners are present from the beginning of the relationship. The problem lies in recognizing these challenges and addressing them early on in the relationship, before they become irreconcilable differences. If important issues are irreconcilable from the start, it is a good indication that the relationship will not succeed. Each of us is a unique person, with individual qualities, needs, strengths, and imperfections. In relationships with others, two unique individuals come together, and try to live in harmony with one another. Each person's qualities interact with the other's to set the mood or tone of the relationship. It is the cumulative effect of many attributes in another that make us feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. Many of us fall in love with one aspect or very few aspects of our partners, and try to downplay the other aspects that make us unhappy. Often this gets us into trouble. If we spend our time and energy trying to reassure ourselves that the problems with our partner do not exist, we may be ignoring the issues that will slowly, cumulatively destroy the relationship.
 
Why do we choose to ignore these problems? Why do we insist on having a relationship when we know deep down inside that this person is not the one? Why do we choose to set ourselves up for emotional hurt? There are many answers to these questions, but fear is probably the greatest motivating factor for these choices. We fear being unable to find somebody with whom to share our life. We fear living alone. We fear being the last of our friends to be in a committed relationship. We fear the financial hardships of doing it alone in a society of two-income households. We fear growing old and dying alone.
 
Fairy tales like Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, and Aladdin all tell us that the road to happiness begins by finding a handsome prince or a beautiful princess. We have the idea that living "happily ever after" only can be achieved through a passionate, romantic relationship. From childhood, we hear stories that affirm this idea. This notion grows as we get older, and begin to read romance novels and magazines, and to watch movies and soap operas. There are countless stories and images in our culture of unhappy, lonely people who become more alive and begin to flourish when they finally find their true love. The examples of "happily ever after" that we have read and seen for so many years foster an unconscious belief that a relationship will completely fulfill us. When we finally meet a potential candidate for a relationship, we sometimes fear that this may be our only opportunity to experience love, romance, and true happiness. Although this individual may not be our ideal partner, he or she is better than having no partner at all. At least with a partner, we have a chance to end our story like Cinderella, by living "happily ever after" with another person. Living "happily ever after" with another person is not an impossible dream for any of us to achieve in our life.
 
While it is unreasonable to expect perfect harmony -- no fights or disagreements, ever -- we all have the potential to live "happily ever after" in the sense of creating and enjoying a loving, fulfilling relationship with another person. To achieve this, you cannot ignore any problems that you have with your partner in the initial stages of your relationship. Sweeping the problems under the carpet will not make them disappear. It is only a matter of time before they will come back to haunt you. Entering a relationship based on the fear of being alone is totally self-destructive. In this type of scenario, an individual will choose to be with just about anybody to fill the void he or she has in life. Desperation for love and romance to fulfill your desires may lead to a future of pain and suffering that could last a lifetime. If you ignore the problems, and allow your fears and insecurities to make your relationship decisions, you inevitably will have to face the consequences of your actions.
 
What are the consequences? If you have strong fears of being alone and feel only a relationship will make you complete, then I feel it might be time to start taking a long hard look at yourself. The willingness to give up your own values, morals, and interests for the sake of the relationship, in order to keep your partner happy, is in my opinion self-destructive. When you are desperate for a relationship with another, you can fall into a pattern of repeatedly giving up your own needs, until you have no life of your own left. With your energy fixated on your new partner, you become less interested in your own work, have less time for your family and friends, and start to ignore your own interests. The more you give up your own life, the more you lose your sense of self, the more you will need your partner to feel secure and whole. Eventually you will be in a situation where fear and need rule your life. You will be afraid to bring up problems with your partner lest they threaten the relationship that you need, but you will also be unhappy and empty within yourself. This occurs because when you give up your own life and live solely for your partner, you are subordinating your needs to theirs, and are chipping away at your own self-esteem. In my opinion, no relationship is worth this. When your partner comes to expect you to revolve your life totally around his or her life, I feel this definitely is not healthy for you. If you get yourself into this situation, this is a sign that you probably are not ready to be in a relationship. If your complete focus is only on the needs of your partner, you do not love yourself. No one with self-love would give up his or her life for the sake of having a relationship with another person.
 
Another consequence of not addressing issues at the beginning of the relationship is that you may not get to know your partner at all. When people do not take the time to get to know one another, they risk losing the relationship over time. Precious years go by, and then, all of a sudden, you wake up one morning and ask yourself, "Who the hell is this person lying beside me in bed? Why am I with this person? Why did I marry him/her?" Unfortunately, this not an uncommon situation: so many of us never truly get to know our partners. In the initial, euphoric stage of a relationship, it is not uncommon for people to confuse sexual compatibility with love; you may think your lover is a perfect match, only to find out later that you have nothing in common with your partner besides the chemistry that may fade over time.
 
This is not a perfect world, nor will it ever become a perfect world. We will always have relationships that will fail, and couples that will divorce one another. I guess what I would like to see is fewer relationship failures and fewer divorces. One failure out of ten marriages, in my mind, is a far more acceptable ratio than the current one out of two. Would you not agree that we would live in a much happier world if this were the case? One out of ten is achievable. One way to achieve this is by changing our "it's broken -- throw it away" mentality. In our society today, if something breaks, we throw it away and buy another one. It seems that we are using this disposable attitude in our relationships: if it is not working, we call it quits and find someone new. Relationships are not cars, or vacuum cleaners, or toasters; they are not disposable. If we took more time, up front, to ascertain whether or not two people are ready for a relationship, and are compatible, then I believe that fewer of us would be in the position of wanting to throw away a relationship. I caution everyone that compatibility is not a guarantee that conflict will never arise: relationships require daily maintenance and effort by both people. Recognize now that love takes a lot of work. It is energy well spent because it takes far more energy to dispose of a relationship and find a new one than it does to keep a current one healthy. By choosing well up front, and by doing the work to keep your relationship healthy, your life and the lives of those you love will be much happier.
 
Copyright © 2000 All rights reserved. Paul Mauchline