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Breaking Up is Hard on More Than Two
By Paul Mauchline

They say, "Breaking up is hard to do." I want to add that breaking up is hard on more people than just two. In recent years, there has been so much focus in the media on the question, "Are you the one for me?" Before committing to a relationship, most people discuss this topic with friends and family, and ponder it on their own. However, in spite of this focus, so many people seem to make poor choices when it comes to relationship partners. Despite the fact we seem to be examining this question with such scrutiny, the divorce rate in the United States, Canada, and several other countries is over fifty percent. It is difficult for me to understand why two people would meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, "You are not the one for me." Such a decision has a ripple effect. Whether you have lived common law for two years, or been married for fifteen, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up; it creates a chain reaction that flows down to friends, family, and, most importantly, children if you have them.

If you have children, your relationship problems and breakdown can put their emotional health and well-being at risk. If their concerns are not addressed or treated early on after separation occurs, your children may have their own dysfunctional relationship patterns when they become adults. In the early 1970s, as the divorce rate was beginning to soar, California psychologist Judith Wallerstein began a study of the effects of divorce on 131 middle-class children. After 25 years of studying this group, Wallerstein found that children continue to suffer the emotional repercussions of their parent's divorce as they form their own romantic relationships in their 20s and 30s. Wallerstein found that, "unlike the adult experience, the child's suffering does not reach its peak at the breakup and then level off. The effect of the parent's divorce is played and replayed throughout the first three decades of the children's lives."
 
In Canada, during the 1980's and 1990's, single parent families increased by 60% in 15 years to 1.1 million. Considering that the population of Canada is fewer than 30 million, this is a significant portion of Canadian families. Social historian David Blankenhorn, author of the book, Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem, brings to our attention that it is extremely difficult for a single parent to meet all of the emotional needs of a child. A strong relationship with both parents is essential for developing compassionate and confident young men and women. Boys raised in single parent families run a higher risk of becoming aggressive and sexually irresponsible as young men. For girls, being raised in a single parent family leads to a higher prevalence of teen pregnancy and early divorce. The U.S. government recognizes the significant social and economic ramifications of this problem, and has set up several committees to deal with what they view as a critical issue affecting American families.
 
No one wants to be in a divorce situation with children involved. When going through a breakup with children, you need to take the time to do your own healing first of all. Then you and your partner must work together to minimize the negative impact that your breakup will have on your children as they grow up into adults. Children need both parents' time and attention. Even though you are both divorced from one another, you must both be responsible parents, putting aside your differences so that your children will grow up with healthy attitudes towards love and relationships. Communicating with your children in an honest, forthright way about the breakup can help them to feel safe and secure in a time of insecurity. Over time this can quell any fears they may have about relationships.
 
Although this research points out that divorce is more difficult for children than was previously thought, staying in an unhappy relationship also can do significant harm to your children. The worst possible consequence is when a relationship becomes mentally or physically abusive. Just look at your local newspaper: unfortunately, I am sure that not a day goes by without an article on spousal or child abuse appearing there. If your partner exhibits any signs of violent behavior and you ignore them, you are putting yourself, your children, and possibly others in serious jeopardy. There is no way that you can have a relationship with a person who is both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Certainly, in such cases, divorce is justified and necessary.
 
In most cases, however, these unhappy endings for relationships - and this emotional pain for our children whom we love -- could have been prevented. We need to make better choices early on in the relationship, at that point when we are pondering the question, "Are you the one for me?" First, before even getting involved in a relationship, each of us needs to closely examine whether or not we are ready for a relationship. Second, we must examine whether or not our potential partner is ready for a relationship and is the right one for us. Making better choices up front will save ourselves and our children from immense emotional trauma down the line.
 
We do not live in a perfect world, and we cannot always make perfect choices. However, if more couples made careful choices up front, resulting in a lowering of the rate of failure of relationships, the world we live in would be a much happier place. We owe it to ourselves, and to any current or future children we may have, to make wise choices of relationship partners. Before making a commitment, each partner should first ascertain whether or not he or she is ready to create a healthy relationship, and then ascertain whether or not the two people are compatible. Finding a compatible partner is only the beginning. Compatibility does not mean that there will never be conflicts or challenges. Love takes a lot of work. Both partners must be willing to make an effort, daily, to create and maintain a healthy relationship. This effort is well worth it. By carefully choosing your partner up front, and by doing the work to keep your relationship healthy over time, you and your children will live much more fulfilling lives.
 
Copyright © 2000 All rights reserved. Paul Mauchline