Art of Loving Advice
Question:
Hello, I hope this letter follows the appropriate path to the advice
service, for that is precisely what I am looking for. I am 23 years old and
currently in law school, I am dating a 21 year old who is entering her
senior year at the university. We have been dating for approximately 11
months and we both feel that this could be "it." And I stress the word
'could' because I am not sure whether or not I am being given 100% from my
partner. I feel as if she is not appreciative of the way I treat her. I feel
as if she is taking advantage of me and I am not sure whether I should stay,
leave, or give her more time.
A little background, of course, is needed. As stated above, I am in law
school and so my perspective on certain subjects is quite different from
those around me. I was raised to do things right and to do them right the
first time. I am a strict believer in performing my best in every facet of
my life, no matter if the situation involves tic-tac-toe or fatherhood. So,
naturally, I feel it is my duty to be the best boyfriend a woman could ask
for. I don't mean for the situation to sound like a job because I truly
enjoy giving her my all, but my mindset is to be better than average. To
accomplish this, I write her poems, leave her 'love' messages, buy her
flowers at least 3 times a month, give her daily massages, and spend as much
time as possible with her. I am loyal and have never cheated on her and I
work out religiously so that I can be everything for her, both mentally and
physically. I also love to please her sexually, giving as much as I receive
and even rent out a fancy hotel every so often so that we can get out of the
house and enjoy wine and fruit together. I try and do everything a boyfriend
could possibly do; I am even interested in what she has to say! I am sure
that I love her, she is interesting, intelligent, funny, and, without a
doubt, the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on!
Now here is the problem. I feel that I have far exceeded any expectations
she has had of what a boyfriend should be and now she has come to expect it.
Don't get me wrong, I have no problem treating her like my princess forever
but it just seems as though she no longer appreciates me or the things I do
for her. My girlfriend loves me very deeply, I know this, but the problem
lies in projecting that love outward. She doesn't treat me bad, though, in
fact, she does qualify for the 'average girlfriend' title but I want the
same things she wants, what everybody wants; 'the best'. I have given it to
her and I simply want the same.
Recently, she has been getting ready to move into a new apartment and so she
has been working longer hours to get everything paid for, so things have
been a little stressful, no problem, I could understand. But the day after
she moved in, I came over, brought some sunflowers to lighten the place up,
bought her some blueberry muffins so she could have breakfast (sometimes
things are so hectic she doesn't get to eat), and brought here favorite
protein supplements for her to eat during her long workday, and I don't even
get a 'thank you'. I don't know what to do. This was all on the fly, she
didn't ask for any of it, I just did it to help her out a bit. This is not
always the case, but it is getting closer and closer by the day. I talk to
her about it and she tells me she will change but we've had this
conversation before and as a result, I have to resort to getting advice off
the internet!
I feel this is all my fault because I have spoiled her, she knows I won't
treat her badly, and knows that I won't leave her. I think everybody should
be treated the way they want to be treated and that is why I treat her this
way, because I want exactly the same things; so it is impossible for me to
lower my goal of being the best boyfriend I could be.
Will things ever change? Should I find someone else? Do I give her an
ultimatum? How do I get through to her that I am serious about this matter
and that the last thing I want to do is end this relationship? Beautiful
women let their boyfriends treat them like dirt everyday (I know, I have got
plenty of male friends) and yet, those are the guys they treat the best. I
don't get it, I have tried to fulfill the dreams of my girlfriend yet I am
under appreciated.
Thanks, Law Boy
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Hmmmmmmmmm.. I do this, I do that for her, I go out of my way, I feel under appreciated, I have spoiled her, this is my fault, and you go on and on.
Grow up!!!!!!!!!!! Displays of affection and love are not counted on a scoreboard. Love is all about giving -- not receiving. Though in a loving relationship it cannot be all give from one person. You need to sit down with your girlfriend and tell her how you are feeling. You need to look into her eyes and bare your soul to her about how you feel. If you are not getting what you want from the relationship -- you have a choice. Life is all about choices. You say your girlfriend loves you. Is that not enough? There are many ways of expressing love, without jumping hoops. It sounds like you are jumping a lot of hoops. Why not slow down, and be more natural, instead of being so focused on being the best boyfriend. The relationship is still new --11 months is not a long time, especially as you both are still in school. You say you are not sure she is giving 100%. Maybe she is giving as much as she can give you. I sense you have high expectations. My advice to all in respect to expectations -- is don't have any --that way you will not be disappointed.
Instead of seeking advice on the Internet, I might suggest you seek some counseling in dealing with your feelings.
Good Luck.
Paul Mauchline,
The Art of Loving Institute
P.S. I believe in the little things--- the way my partner looks at me, her smile, laughter, the way she touches me, etc .etc. Why not try being more aware of the little things.
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