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Art of Loving Advice I don't really know how or where to start...but I think by simply getting myself to write something down can really help ease the pain and pressure I'm feeling right now in my chest. My bf and I have been going out for nine months. We've had good times and bad, shared laughter and tears, and I've actually come convinced myself that I can settle for him, even though he's not the cutest or greatest guy I've ever met or dated. He's got short-comings, weaknesses, and faults which I've learned to accept and all because in comparison to his other good characteristics (ie values, manners, attitude, sensitivity etc) these short-comings are really nothing. However, despite my willingness to accept all his goods and bads, he now tells me he has second thoughts about my relationship because he can't quite straighten out his feelings for me. He tells me that although I seem to be perfect in everyway, for some reason he feels a lack of "passion" for me...but that he does love me in someways...and is really unwilling to give me up, but yet he can't perceive settling down with me. He's gotten me so confused...when I first heard he lacks passion for me, I started to act aloof and try to avoid getting too close to him physically, but then he would initiate the hugs and kisses and touching...which then makes me think he really wants me then. So I would respond passionately as well, but then afterwards he tells me it was all his fault, he shouldn't have started it, and how bad he feels cuz I'm such a "good girl" for him to hurt this way. This happens over and over again, and each time I would start to feel like trash. Like he uses me and then throws me into the corner until the next time he needs me again. What is going on? Is it lust that he feels for me or is there really love? What constitutes a "passionate" feeling for someone and why can't he feel it from me? I know I dont' have the excited, flame-burning passion for him either, but I can feel a tinge of pain in my heart when I think of him, so I call that my "passion" for him. What exactly is this "passion" that he's after? He knows clearly that this love-at-first-sight type of heart-pounding feelings won't last anywayz, and if he admires me in so many ways then why does he feel I'm not who he wants to spend the rest of his life with? What is missing here? We communicate very well with each other. I've never felt more comfortable talking about physical, biological issues with anyone but him. He likes my smartness and enjoys our intellectual conversations, yet he thinks because he's christian and I'm not, that he enjoys being around ppl and I like it quiet, that I enjoy being with my family and he enjoys being with his friends, that we are ultimately incompatible? I'm willing to attend church w/ him, meet his friends and join his groups, and he's willing to show up at our family gatherings and sit down and watch sit-coms and soups with my mom...so what's the problem? I really can't see it...but he's making a big deal out of it and hence has gotten me more confused than ever... He still calls and asks me to do things and go places w/ him, but yet he claims he's still confused as to weather I'm the best one for him or if there's someone else out there more suitable. I don't know whether to hate him or what...but he's obviously leading me as well as himself on and on in a never ending circle. He can't commit yet he can't let go. In the mean time what am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for him to finally see the light and dump me or work harder to prove to him I can be just as loveable and likable? That I'm really what he wanted..? Can I afford to do this to myself? Am I being fair to myself? I personally don't want to let go because I feel I've built up so much already in 9 months. I can't bear the thought of giving up someone whom I've shared so much with...and he feels the same too (or so he tells me), and so I feel like I'm hanging in mid-air. I can't go completely down and yet I can't get up either...any advice? |
 9 months is not a long time... so let us get over this time you have invested in this relationship. Do you truly want to be with a man that has no passion for you, or you for him??? I would suggest you spend some quality time and read the many articles on my web site www.artofloving.com |
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